i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
