We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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