i always forget guys have bellybuttons
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
