I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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