I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
