im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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