I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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