Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
