nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
