i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
