highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
