Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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