Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
