i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
