'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
