There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
