I need to stop coming to work sober
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Randomize
