I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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