I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
