I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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