I accidentally had phone sex last night
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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