Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
