Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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