idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
