every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
