FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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