Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
