i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
