ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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