New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish you could order shots online.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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