I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
