White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize