I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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