I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
