a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
