Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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