3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
