just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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