how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
