My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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