I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize