Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
