Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
