the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize