My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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