OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
