I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im six kinds of drunk right now
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
