Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
