there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
