I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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