my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
