i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
