cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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