Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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