he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I smell like Dick and happiness
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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