We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize