Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Houston, we have a squirter
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
