Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Please, let me fuck your mom
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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