Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
