she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
