listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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