Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
