I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
