and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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