he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
