Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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