I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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